T_boy
07-31-2009, 04:04 PM
* By DON FARMER
* Posted July 30, 2009 at 7:49 p.m.
NAPLES — We hear Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank and President Obama are angry they couldn’t control Florida’s new fishing license rules that take effect tomorrow, Aug 1.
If only these big government geniuses had been able to write the new shore fishing rules, our anglers could help “transform” America where it counts, not just in some vague New World Order sort of way.
The power trip troika — Frank, Obama and Pelosi, FOP for short — would impose much more than the new $9 fishing license fee. In addition:
■ Federal fishing licenses would be issued to every American, angler or not. The only people exempt would be members of The Congress. That’s because they have special Universal Platinum Predator Permits, which they voted into law for themselves.
Illegal aliens also would be exempt because we know they send most of their money back to their Third World relatives anyway.
Any citizens with incomes under $280,000 would get their mandatory fishing licenses free. Those earning more than $280k but under $1 million would pay $900 a year and millionaires would have to pay be $9,000 a year for their licenses, just because they can afford it.
■ Anyone who wades into the water to fish, say at a sandy beach, would have to wear a cap and thus be liable for a Cap-and-Wade tax.
■ The Federal government would make available special Stimulus Bait, guaranteed to attract fish. OK maybe not in the first several seasons, but eventually it will work, along about election day of 2012.
■ All such US Bait would be sold only in General Motors Dealerships owned by Friends of FOP, Inc. The dealers’ slogan: “Chevrolets, Cadillacs, Buicks and Bait!” Catchy.
Each bait bit would be licensed, with individual serial numbers etched on every lure. The serial numbers would have to be about three thousand characters long, meaning that each piece of bait would be so big that only sea creatures the size of giant squid could swallow it.
The result would be few fish actually caught and those that are could be traced by their bait serial numbers back to the onshore fisher-perpetrator.
■ President Obama would go on international TV to apologize officially to all the fish that had been caught on earth since the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock. (He also would decree that “Plymouth” Rock be renamed “Fiat” Rock.)
■ In the spirit of real change, the name of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission also would be changed to The Global Warming And, Oh Yeah, Fish Stuff Commission.
Our boldly bipartisan president would appoint Sarah Palin to run the commission from headquarters in Guam.
Senior citizens 65 and older would be, as we are now, exempt from the Federal Fishing License, but because we are, let’s face it, getting up there in age, we may face fishing license rationing as our days dwindle.
Besides, when we toss a line into the water the serial-numbered lures may be so heavy we’d be tugged into the drink as well. And if that happened, the Frank-Obama-Pelosi triumvirate might instruct the Fishing License Czar to install Geezer Grab Bars on all shoreline fishing locations.
One tip. If you want to avoid the $9 license, apply for food stamps. If you qualify, your fishing is free too.
E-mail Don Farmer at don@donfarmer.com.
* Posted July 30, 2009 at 7:49 p.m.
NAPLES — We hear Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank and President Obama are angry they couldn’t control Florida’s new fishing license rules that take effect tomorrow, Aug 1.
If only these big government geniuses had been able to write the new shore fishing rules, our anglers could help “transform” America where it counts, not just in some vague New World Order sort of way.
The power trip troika — Frank, Obama and Pelosi, FOP for short — would impose much more than the new $9 fishing license fee. In addition:
■ Federal fishing licenses would be issued to every American, angler or not. The only people exempt would be members of The Congress. That’s because they have special Universal Platinum Predator Permits, which they voted into law for themselves.
Illegal aliens also would be exempt because we know they send most of their money back to their Third World relatives anyway.
Any citizens with incomes under $280,000 would get their mandatory fishing licenses free. Those earning more than $280k but under $1 million would pay $900 a year and millionaires would have to pay be $9,000 a year for their licenses, just because they can afford it.
■ Anyone who wades into the water to fish, say at a sandy beach, would have to wear a cap and thus be liable for a Cap-and-Wade tax.
■ The Federal government would make available special Stimulus Bait, guaranteed to attract fish. OK maybe not in the first several seasons, but eventually it will work, along about election day of 2012.
■ All such US Bait would be sold only in General Motors Dealerships owned by Friends of FOP, Inc. The dealers’ slogan: “Chevrolets, Cadillacs, Buicks and Bait!” Catchy.
Each bait bit would be licensed, with individual serial numbers etched on every lure. The serial numbers would have to be about three thousand characters long, meaning that each piece of bait would be so big that only sea creatures the size of giant squid could swallow it.
The result would be few fish actually caught and those that are could be traced by their bait serial numbers back to the onshore fisher-perpetrator.
■ President Obama would go on international TV to apologize officially to all the fish that had been caught on earth since the Mayflower landed at Plymouth Rock. (He also would decree that “Plymouth” Rock be renamed “Fiat” Rock.)
■ In the spirit of real change, the name of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission also would be changed to The Global Warming And, Oh Yeah, Fish Stuff Commission.
Our boldly bipartisan president would appoint Sarah Palin to run the commission from headquarters in Guam.
Senior citizens 65 and older would be, as we are now, exempt from the Federal Fishing License, but because we are, let’s face it, getting up there in age, we may face fishing license rationing as our days dwindle.
Besides, when we toss a line into the water the serial-numbered lures may be so heavy we’d be tugged into the drink as well. And if that happened, the Frank-Obama-Pelosi triumvirate might instruct the Fishing License Czar to install Geezer Grab Bars on all shoreline fishing locations.
One tip. If you want to avoid the $9 license, apply for food stamps. If you qualify, your fishing is free too.
E-mail Don Farmer at don@donfarmer.com.